Dating is a difficult game, fraught with danger and uncertainties but help seems to be on hand everywhere you look. From Millionaire Matchmaker to E-Harmony you are assaulted with well-meaning advice about the do’s and don’ts of interacting with the person of your dreams before the mating game begins. This dance is as old as humanity itself and the profession of matchmaker follows not far behind. The intermediary is an important component of the romantic game. Trust me, I know (I’ve read the manual and taken the exam). Okay, I lied but it was worth a shot. I am sure many of us have either been on the receiving end of these diabolical, sorry, inventive overtures of lust or actually dished them out. Shame on you rascals! Without further ado I shall take you into the inner sanctum of She Who’s Name Shall Be Whispered with Reverence – for it is the Goddess of Love. Come right in and don’t trip over the cat.

7. Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to all my prayers.

Religion is a tricky subject to broach and inadvisable if you are unsure which way the object of your attentions leans. Always best to avoid theological discussions out of respect for human life, yours in particular if the conversation becomes heated and possibly dangerous. A clue that the outcome is not going to be favourable may be the tick in their eye and the sound of grinding teeth. At this stage of the proceedings, make your excuses and get the hell out of there. I obviously use the word “hell” in a non-sectarian way and cannot possibly comment on the existence or non-existence of said location.

6. Have you been to the doctor lately? Because I think you are lacking some Vitamin Me.

Ah, wanting to play Doctors and Nurses are we? Reverting back to childhood games is not really advisable. What was acceptable as kids, exploring the world in all innocence and curiosity may be construed as sexual harassment now and carry heavy penalties. Do you really want to go down that route? Not worth the hassle my friend. Why not try a spot of bird watching and I am of course referring to the feathered variety. At least it gets you out into the fresh air and you keep your clothes on. Everyone is happy then. Please carry on taking the Prozac.

5. Do you live in a cornfield? Because I am stalking you.

Indicates a person whose interests may lie in the great outdoors, or that would be your excuse when backed into the corner and threatened with a breadstick. This sentence can be linked with the words “thrust somewhere where the sun don’t shine” or thereabouts. This line has rather sinister overtones, especially if you recall seeing the movie Jeepers Creepers. Is that the kind of impression you want to give? I thought not. Just apologise and burst into tears. Your assailant may then be embarrassed into releasing you.

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  • Alphonse

    “Did you just fart? because you blew me away…”